Maxy Rebo, fat blue elephant thing who was master of the red ball organ. He was the leader of the Max Rebo band which George Lucas super-ruined in 1997 when he made the lead singer, Sy Snootles, CG and then paired her up with the worst character in Star Wars history, Rappertunie. Luckily Max stayed in puppet form but pairing a character made up of silk backpacks with a bunch of crappy CG characters makes the puppet look more like a puppet and the CG look more like over the top garbage.
If you do not remember this "scene rape" then I encourage you to watch it again. While watching it, try not to be embarrassed by what you are watching. Guess what? You can't. Seriously, watching the "special edition" gave me the same kind of uncomfortable feeling I got when I was 14 and I watched Clerks and my mother came into the room during a part where the dialogue focused mainly on blow jobs.
Think about every hockey player in your high school. Now imagine he looked like he ate faces. Voila! While actually not a face eater, Bom Vimdin was a Advozse smuggler and mercenary during the Galactic Civil War. A pessimistic, reclusive being, he had no loyalties to anyone other than himself, and cared only for his credit balance. Around 0 BBY, he was a regular at Chalmun's Cantina in Mos Eisley, though he was widely disliked. Vimdin worked for a wide array of corrupt and dishonorable officials in his life, though his operations thrived during the time of the New Republic.
Wow, that part at the end where I wasn't attempting to be clever was super boring. I apologize for that. I could just erase it but then you wouldn't know a thing about Bom Vimdin and then where would we be?
Muftak was a male Talz seen in Chalmun's Cantina during the infamous meeting of Skywalker and Solo. A known alcoholic, Muftak was one of the pioneers of drunk driving. However, after his third offense a judge sentenced him to appear in a PSA warning against the dangers of drunk driving.
This was the result:
Edit: For some reason this reminded me of that episode of Blossom where Joey's friend on the baseball team is a drunk. He thought he was being slick by putting vodka in the water bottle so he could drink during practice because vodka doesn't smell. There was a lot wrong with that guy's logic. Mainly:
a) He thought mixing vodka and athletics would not make him disastrously ill.
b) Water bottles are really big. If you fill one with vodka and then drink it, barf will happen. By "barf", I mean "death".
c) Vodka does smell. It smells just like daddy before daddy gets belt hitty.
Jawas were typically short humanoid natives of Tatooine. They were often scavengers, seeking out technology for sale or trade in the deep deserts in their huge sandcrawler transports. A band of Jawas was responsible for locating C-3PO and R2-D2 and selling them to Luke Skywalker's uncle Owen Lars. Another tribe of Jawas, led by Tteel Kkak, found Jabba the Hutt's rancor. They had a reputation for swindling, as they had a penchant for selling old equipment such as outdated droids to moisture farmers, but they were passive beings, and hardly put up any resistance to colonists of their planet unlike the other natives the Sand People, instead seeing them as an excellent business opportunity.
On a side note, I own around a dozen of the Jawa figures that Burger King gave out a few years back. When you squeeze them their eyes light up and it is adorable. A year later I squeezed an actor who played at Jawa at a convention and he kicked me in the dick. Passive being, my ass.
Owen Lars was the son of moisture farmer Cliegg Lars and the stepbrother of Anakin Skywalker. He married Beru Whitesun, and after his father's death, he inherited his job as a moisture farmer. In 19 BBY, Beru convinced Owen to adopt Anakin's son, Luke Skywalker, as Anakin had turned to the dark side and became the infamous Darth Vader.
Owen and Beru raised their nephew as well as they could, and Owen instilled into Luke the values of his own childhood. Fearful of Luke's potential, and distrustful of the outside galaxy, Owen attempted to keep Luke isolated and ignorant of his true parentage. This led Luke to be a whiny and pissy teenager, frequently uttering "Uncle Oweeeeen" and "but Uncle Oweeeen"
None of this mattered too much because after R2D2 and C-3PO landed on Tatooine, they led the Empire right to Owen and he was rewarded with his years of love and foster patronage with death by Stormtrooper. Whine about that, Luke.
Bib Fortuna was a male Twi'lek from Ryloth. Bib served as a majordomo to Jabba the Hutt for many years. Considering he served Jabba for decades, it is unsurprising that few in the galaxy hated the Hutt as much as he did—the Twi'lek majordomo had tried many times to have Jabba killed. He must not have tried very hard, as all it takes to kill Jabba the Hitt is a bikini clad woman and a chain.
Wilhuff Tarkin was a Human male from Eriadu who became the first Grand Moff. Born to an influential family, Tarkin lived a life of luxury on the Outer Rim planet Eriadu. Eventually, he became governor of the planet.
When the Galactic Empire was formed in 19 BBY under now-Emperor Palpatine, the ambitious Tarkin became a Moff. Not long after, he was promoted to Grand Moff, the first individual to achieve such a rank.
When the Death Star project was commissioned, Tarkin was placed in charge. He used the mighty superweapon to destroy the planet Alderaan, in the belief that this demonstration of power would silence the Rebel Alliance. Tarkin and his theory were wrong, and he died when the Rebels destroyed the Death Star in the Battle of Yavin.
Apparently he also has a bit of an odor problem and can be smelled from long distances..
Reasons Boba Fett is awesome:
His ship is named the Slave I, this is like naming your ship Badass Express if naming your ship Badass Express didn't automatically make you a douche.
He had to be verbally warned against disintegrating people. This is the most awesome thing to ever be verbally warned about.
Reason he is not awesome:
Two words: Sarlacc Pit
URoRRoR'R'R (Yep, that's his name. Thanks for the heads up Wookieepedia) was a skilled Tusken Raider hunter who once attacked Luke Skywalker, as the latter was trying to find R2-D2 in the Jundland Wastes. He is very good at making people crap themselves.
Also, sorry for the profanity, but you know that was the first word to pop into your head when this guy popped out and started braying like a donkey while shaking a stick in a menacing fashion. Admit it and lets move on.
Nien Nunb was a Sullustan smuggler. He worked for the SoroSuub Corporation as a smuggler. During one of his smuggling flights he befriended Lando Calrissian (awesome guy)—an individual Nunb would have great deals with in later years. It was with Calrissian (awesome guy) that he would copilot the Millennium Falcon during the epic Battle of Endor. He went on to become the administrator of the Kessel spice mines, and sporadically worked with the New Republic and its successor, the Galactic Alliance.
Fun fact: That gibberish spewing from his mouth is a real language. It is called Haya and over a million people speak it. Even though it is a real language, I chose to believe he is just yelling profanity or being ultra skeptical in his Sullustan language. This allows me to feel a bond with Nien because that is exactly what I would be doing.
Me: Oh, shit
Lando: That blast came from the death Star! That thing's operational!
Me: Shit, shit, shit!
Me: Well, this will never ever work. You know we are going to die right?
Lando: Don't worry, my friend's down there.
Me: So are a shit ton of Imperial forces. Whats he going to do, have that wookie hijack an AT-ST walker as well as make friends with the native Ewoks so that they build a lot of weapons out of logs and ropes and shit to take down hi tech Imperial forces? A wookie driving an AT-ST, that I would like to see, before I die. We are so going to die.
Wedge Antilles was a Human male from Corellia who became a legendary starfighter pilot. Antilles fought in the Battle of Yavin, where the Alliance scored a huge victory over the Galactic Empire by destroying the Death Star. Antilles, along with Luke Skywalker later formed the elite starfighter squadron known as Rogue Squadron. Antilles participated in the Battle of Endor, where the Alliance defeated the Empire by killing Emperor Palpatine.
This is a terrible drawing. I will make it up to you tomorrow.
"He doesn't like you."
"I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have a death sentence in twelve systems."
"I'll be careful then."
"You'll be dead!"
―Evazan and Luke Skywalker
Dr. Evazan was a notorious outlaw and sociopath active during the Galactic Civil War. He considered himself a skilled surgeon, even though his patients were often maimed or killed after botched "operations". By the time of the Battle of Yavin, his activities had earned him a death sentence in at least twelve systems.
If you go into any college bar and accidentally bump into someone, they will turn into Dr. Evazan minus the face and with the addition of the word "fag". Its true.
These guys were so well designed it was ridiculous. When I was a kid I was mesmerized by these menacing figures clad in the brightest red possible. That red! I was sure these guys were the biggest badasses in the galaxy. I mean, they protected the Emperor, so logic would dictate that these guys would be able to hold their own against any threat. However, in the original trilogy we never get to see these guys fight. Nothing. They just stand. It was the biggest let down to young Ian. So I waited. I waited for several years, then I waited through two films of complete garbage. Then, finally, a third film of garbage. What could save this garbage? Are those Royal Guards? Yes! I guess at this point they wouldn't be "Royal" Guards, but they looked the same so it worked just as well. And, oh shit, they are going to fight Yoda! And then. . . What? Really? That is it?
Now I don't like to remember much of the garbage trilogy just like how I don't like to remember food poisoning or dental work but I remember being extremely excited and then whatever the emotion is when you find out the truth about Santa. Thanks for killing a part of my inner child, George.
Edit: I just found this on Wookieepedia about the "Red Guard" from the garbage trilogy:
"As they were formed at Palpatine's discretion without a formal act, several senators (including Bail Organa) considered them to be illegal, and even the Jedi High Council were unsure of their true number and strength. Palpatine justified their creation due to rumors of corruption amongst the Senate Guard, especially after the infamous Ronhar Kim incident. During the hunt for Darth Sidious, Mace Windu and Yoda suspected that the Dark Lord of the Sith might be among their number."
Sadly, this would not be the first time Yoda was wrong.
Lobot was the chief administrative aide to Lando Calrissian on Cloud City over the planet Bespin. He has shit on his head that allows him to communicate directly with the city's computer network. In this capacity, he served as the city's first and only computer-liaison officer.
He is mildly creepy. This is to counteract Lando being super awesome. He is like the Jon Arbuckle to Lando's Garfield. Except he doesn't own Lando and I am pretty sure Lando loves Mondays. Also Garfield is completely terrible. This comparison is flawed.
Throughout various points in his life, Lando Calrissian was a professional gambler, general, entrepreneur, smuggler, peddler of malt liquor, and legendary Bears running back. Even though he was good friend with Han Solo, he never learned to pronounce his first name correctly. This is forgivable since I used to think Han's name was Hans Olo when I was 5.
Also, I love Brian Piccolo. And I'd like all of you to love him too. And so tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him.
This long-snooted informant shadowed Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi as they made their way from the Mos Eisley Cantina to Docking Bay 94. The dark cloaked snitch used his comlink to call the Imperial authorities, and directed a squad of desert stormtroopers to the fugitives.
To get a feel for the depth of this character, here is an intense excerpt from the New Hope script:
Garindan: "(speaking alien language)"
Stormtrooper: "Which way?"
Garindan: "(speaking alien language)"
Stormtrooper: "All right, men. Load your weapons!"
So I am starting off this soon to be failed project with IG-88.
In case you do not know who IG-88 is, he is one of the bounty hunters seen in Empire for approximately 5 seconds. His head was also a drink container in the Mos Eisley Cantina. He will tear your face off.
He can also dance apparently.